i just broke up with dan
even though we weren’t dating
but
it sucked
and everything sucks
the end.
i’m having a horrible night. i know i’m PMSing and i have no reason to be this irritated, but now is not the time for rational thought. for one thing i just feel disgustingly ugly. i keep comparing myself to the ex-girlfriend of the guy i’m seeing. i don’t know her in person or anything, she lives like a half hour away. but they dated for almost two years so it’s hard for me not to worry about how i stack up against her. i guess the keyword here is that she’s his ex, so maybe i shouldn’t be so hard on myself. but there were a few times they broke up and got back together, but that was always within a span of a few days, and they haven’t been together for like two months now. he’s told me he has no desire to be with her whatsoever, but i still worry. i don’t feel as pretty as her, as skinny as her, as photogenic. i really need to stop.
so i’m doing what i always do when it comes to guys: i’m convicing myself that i’m not good enough for him and he’ll stop liking me any minute now. last night we went for a walk through the park without flashlights and sat in the baseball fields with the scoreboard lit up, (the score was 11-2), and just talked and held hands and it was great. but even in the dim light, i was afraid that he might suddenly realize i’m not good looking enough. how stupid is that? there i was having a great moment and yet i was ruining it with my insane insecurities. usually at this moment is when i start pulling away. i want to leave them before they leave me. we’re not even like exclusively dating (although neither of us are planning on seeing anyone else.. so.. i guess we are, in a way), but i don’t want him to be the one to call things off.
at one point in the park, we both heard a noise. he like grabbed my arm and stepped in front of me a little to block me from walking any further. it just turned out to be two shirtless teenage dirtbags breaking into the pool. (hey assholes, the pool isn’t even open yet. hope you had fun jumping the barbed wire and then figuring that out.) but it was sweet. after that we walked down to the pond and sat on the dock and watched the reflections of the stop lights changing colors on the water. i was starting to get nervious because he hadn’t tried to kiss me all night. i felt like we hardly touched. like, we did, but nothing serious. and out in the field it had been a good setting for things like that. the whole time at the pond, he didn’t try and kiss me either! when he dropped me off at my house, i was confused because the whole car ride home he was making plans for a nighttime picnic with me down at the field again when all the stars are out, and planning a summer trip to boston for the two of us, and deciding what movie we should go to this weekend. but then all i got was a hug goodbye. we’ve already hooked up. kissing should not be a big deal.
i don’t want to let all my crazy out yet, so i resisted texting him what the deal was and whether he was really into me or not. i would have eventually caved in so i’m glad he spared me that embarassment by texting me saying, “please don’t be sitting at home thinking i don’t like you or want you because i didn’t make any moves on you tonight. i just know that when you think someone might like you “too much,” you get insecure and find reasons not to be with a person. i don’t want to come on too strong because i don’t want you to start pulling away from me. and if you knew how much i really like you, i’m afraid that’d happen. that’s all. i’d rather go slow and keep you than fast and lose you.” well, he nailed it on the head. i told him that i’d normally have pulled away already by now, but that i do like him no matter how insecure i might be feeling at times, and so it’s fine for him to be a little bit more physically aggressive because it’s reassuring to me.
i had told him a few months ago that i didn’t want to seriously date any time soon, but i’ve changed my mind. i don’t know how to bring that up though. i know he prefers being in a relationship to being single, but what if by now he’s liking being single and doesn’t want to make me his “facebook official” girlfriend? why do i overthink everything? i should just keep going with the flow and see what happens. but my mind races and i get panicky without meaning to. baaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
we were supposed to hang out tonight but i felt icky and wanted a night at home. and tomorrow i have clinical for my CNA class for 6 and a half hours so by the time i get home at 10:30 i’m not going to want to snuggle when i’ve been changing poopy old person diapers and giving spongebaths all day. we work at the same restaurant though, so i’ll see him friday and then saturday we’re going out. hopefully i’m not feeling so awful about myself by then so i can enjoy spending time with him.
…this really just happened. i hooked up with that kid like a year ago at a party in the backseat of his car and we haven’t really talked since. good thing i think it’s hilarious.
haven’t been on here in so long. i’ve just kind of lost interest since so many people i know IRL are on here now. it’s annoying.
ummmm, hm. i’m seeing a really great guy right now, and i hope to be dating soon. i just never really ever want to get serious with anyone so i’m finding it strange to officially transition into like facebook official type shit. but he’s just… great. that’s the only way i can put it for now. he makes me feel warm and full inside and i like him a lot. a lot a lot a looooooot. he skateboards and plays guitar and is a fantastic artist, and likes the smell of thunderstorms just as much as me, and is the best cuddler, makes me laugh, makes me feel pretty, and smart, and witty, and aslkdjaslkdjasdjalsdhashdashdjakdlasdh. you get it. :)
